The Award Winning Official Newsletter of the MA Commonwealth Division
"A.B.K. Always Be Kicking."
II: Recaps
III: Schedule
IV: Announcements
V: Hit the Safety Bricks, Pal
PART I: "Got me a movie, I want you to know. Slicing up eyeballs, I want you to know. Girlie so groovy, I want you to know. Don't know about you, but i am un chien andalusia." - Pixies
The playoffs are here! Eight weeks (plus one rain out where there was little rain, and one game day where there was a lot of rain) of sweat, tears, and wing sauce have come to this moment in time. For one team immortal kickball glory is only three wins away. For seven other teams only agony, shame and medieval hair-shirt like flesh mortification awaits. I can't wait to get started!
Now the playoffs come with different rules, so our benevolent PAUL: Captains, before we being this rules review, let us review the rules of the rules' review. First, everyone must be clothed and remained clothed at all time. Jason, David, Sam, Jon, and Andrew, I mean you guys especially. No sausage fests tonight. This isn't New Hampshire.
GROUP: [Collective Groan]
JON: Is anyone hungry?
PAUL: I cannot stress this enough. My therapy bill of seeing what Meghan did to Jason last year, is a lot for a guy on a Conducktor's salary. Even with great insurance like AFLAC. (Seriously Paul, has there not been any synergy between the Aflac Duck and Boston Duck Tours? Seems like there should be.) Rule 2 remember rule 1.
SAM: I promise to keep my clothes on. But, I can't speak for Vivek. He's like a naked ninja, only he's not on a ninja.
DAVID: Naked Ninjas, you say. That might be a good theme for next year's Ninja team. We'd be able to walk to the championship because the rest of the league would have stabbed their eyes out, Oedipus Style. Oh the humanity!
JASON: I dig Oedipus man! It's sexual! Like Pecan Sandies.
MEGHAN: I thought pecan sandies were cookies.
ILANA: Me too. Though I pronounce it Pekhan sandies. Cause you know, I speak English and am not an inbred hick from Georgia.
MR. BELDING: I have been hired by the red team, Saved by the Balls to participate in this video chat, for a nominal fee. I'll do anything for a nominal fee. Weddings. Bar Mitzvahs. Store dedications. Meth labs. Softcore. Hardcore. Dumbledore. I will even come to your place of work, and say anyone's famous catchphrase to you in front of your co-workers, earning you the respect and admiration of your peers, and perhaps the number from that cutie pie or stud muffin you have your eye on in accounting, who until that point doesn't know you exist. Like how Hollywood and pop culture treat me, despite all I've given them. But, I'm not bitter. No. Not at all. (Hold it together Belding. Finish the sale. A=Always. B = Be. C = Closing. Always be closing. Wait. Why is my under the breath muttering calling myself Belding? My name is Dennis Haskins. I'm an accomplished actor. My God it's happening again.) *Slaps face* Ahh. Much better Mommy. I'm a good boy. I call all the men you bring home uncle. I'm sorry I shot him, Mommy. I thought he was naked hurting you...GROUP: [Looks at Mr. Belding. Jaws hung open, aghast. Except for Jason. He's oddly turned on by this entire exchange.]
MR. BELDING: Where was I? Oh yes. Anything for a small fee. Please see my agent for pricing. Wait. Who am I kidding? I don't have an agent. I fired my agent, killed him and built a bird cage with his bones. [Singing]"There's a blue bird on my shoulder. It's the truth. It's actual, everything is satisfactual." ... Bastards all of them. They promise you the moon, and then boom fudge you right in the peeper-doodle-cavern, without even getting kissed or a nice meal. God. What happened to just talking over food? It's now just all straight to the fooing and farming, like we're just a bunch of rutting hogs during the harvest moon. I tell you. It's all a pile of shipoopi. [Ding: A bell rings] Anyway my time here is done. Enjoy your meeting class. Now off on my hydrofoil! Belding, I mean Haskins, out! (Dummy!)
PAUL: What the fuuuu....
JON: Hey did someone mention cookies? I'm hungry.
ILANA: That made you hungry?
JASON: It made me hungry, if you know what I mean. It's sexual.
JON: I'm serious. I swear someone mentioned cookies. And bacon. I swear I heard bacon.
ANDREW: I can support bacon. Bacon is awesome. You know who didn't have bacon though? Boca Bar. Probably if they had more bacon it would have stayed open.
MEGHAN: Riiiiight. That was the only thing keeping that place from being a success.
PAUL: Uh gang, we need to get back on track. We have rules to go over, and I'm sure whoever is transcribing this chat has important things to do. Like work.
DAVID: Nah, I'm good. Hee hee, look at that monkey ride that dog! Giddy up little hero. Giddy up!
JASON: Monkey on a dog. Awwww yeah. It's sexual....No wait. That's kinda gross.
DAVID: Dude. You are fucked up. Seriously. It's a monkey dressed up as a cowboy, riding a dog on a saddle, herding sheep. Get some help.
MR. BELDING: Hi Gang. I'm back. I forgot to gas up my hydrofoil. Or my Pontiac Aztek. I get them confused. Anyone got some cash? I once played a psychiatrist, so Jason maybe I can help you with your problem. You think every thing is sexual, right?
JASON: Well, no not really. It's just my bit. You see these chats are really boring some times, so I like to spice it up. You know, like how Rachel Ray adds nutmeg to everything, or how Guy Fieri drowns everything in hot sauce and catchphrases.
SAM: Dude, that's off the hook.
MEGHAN: Winner, winner chicken dinner.
JON: Seriously, I'm starving. We need to get some food at these meetings. Play-doh is edible right? It's non toxic. I'd even eat that stuff Charlton Heston eats.
DAVID: SOYLENT GREEN IS PEOPLE!
MR. BELDING: Ahhh. Classic Denial. Now seriously, Jason, tell us about your mother. Did she have many friends that she introduced as uncles? Would they leave her gifts of money, jewelry, or small plastic baggies of blue crystals? Would she cry herself to sleep after they left, and the come into your room and stroke your hair, saying "It's gonna be okay. It's gonna be all okay." And you become overwhelmed by the smell of Elizabeth Taylor's White Diamonds, jizz, cigarettes and humiliation. Oh the humiliation. [Mr. Belding looks off into the distance and rocks in his chair, weeping quietly.]PAUL: Uhhh, folks, we really need to move this meeting along. Seriously. I mean, the playoffs start tomorrow night, and we gotta go over the rules. And Mr. Belding may be crazy. Though I may be wrong.
ANDREW: Oh Paul, quit yer yapping. We do this ever year. There are a few slight differences in the rules for playoff time. There is no RPS to determine home or away, the choice lies with top seed of the match-up. All games shall be 5 innings, time allowing, unless falling into the below categories:
1) At the end of the third inning or at the end of any full inning thereafter a team up by 12 or more runs automatically wins the game and the game is over.
2) In the event of a tie score after 5 innings, extra full innings shall commence until a winner is determined or until the allotted time expires.
Each extra inning should be played with these modifications: Place the last kicker (1) from the previous inning on second base. Only 8 players on the field for the defense consisting of 4 men and 4 women. All kickers start with an unmodified count (0 balls, 0 strikes, 0 fouls).
If a game in progress must be called early by the head referee, due to darkness, weather, or any other unforeseen circumstance, then the score reverts to what it was at the end of the last completed inning. If at least 3 innings have been completed, the result stands.
If that result is a tie, a winner must be determined using RPS. If a game is called off before 3 full innings have been completed, the game should be rescheduled and started from scratch, if possible. If rescheduling is not possible, RPS should be used to determine a winner. Teams deliberately delaying the game may be warned and sanctioned as necessary by the head referee. For all other guidelines for the playoff tournament, please refer to the following link: http://www.kickball.com/files/WAKA_League_Tournament_Guidelines.pdf
Seriously, dude we get it. We only really come to this chats for the adult nudity, tragic stories of a mother's love for her child and the price she paid to give him a good life, only to see that boy collapse under the scars of the things she had to do to give him that life, monkeys riding dogs, and bacon.
JON: Seriously, stop mentioning bacon. ILANA: Since I haven't had much to say, this session, I just want to say 'DON'T COME ON MY BASE"
MEGHAN: SLIM KICKINS!
JASON: PECAN SANDIES
JON: Mmmm. Cookies....er, I mean, LEGION OF DOOM
MR. BELDING: OH MOMMA, MOMMA, I'M SO SORRY MOMMA!
SIGMUND FREUD: Very gut. Very gut. Now tellz me about your father....
SAM: MENACE 2 SOBREITY
ANDREW: BOCA CABANA!
HEISENBERG: SAY MY NAME!
MOSS: FUCK YOU, that's my name!! You know why, Mister? 'Cause you drove a Pontiac Aztek to get here tonight, I drove a eighty thousand dollar BMW. That's my name!!
DAVID: Oops sorry. I crossed mental streams. Uhhh... MELON FARMING NINJAS!
JON: Wait, there were melons, too? Sonovabitch.
PAUL: Meeting adjorned! OH DEAR GOD!.....AHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
[End Scene]
PART III: "In home theaters. Still projecting. Undestructing.A voice from the back of your
Double feature.Soft and harder.Wait. In silence. While planning your attack. Shining through the hollow today. Thinking maybe heavens away. They've shown this on both screens." - The New Pornographers
Legion of Doom 6 over Pecan Sandies 1
The Legion's game against the Pecan Sandies got off to a bumpy start as the Sandies took an early 1-0. LOD tied it up in the bottom of the inning. The game remained tied until the bottom of the third when Tim "Sinestro" H went from 1st to home on a sacrifice bunt from Laurel "Riddler" M. The game broke open in the 4th when the Legion added 4 more runs. The game ended on a double play initiated by Jen "Giganta" McD which earned her the MVP belt for the week. A great game and a tough 6-1 win for the legion. - Jon N. Saved by the Balls 1 over Menace 2 Sobriety 0
After a 5-5 tie earlier in the season Menace 2 Sobriety was looking to bring home the W. We played close to our best defense of the season. Melissa made a great unassisted double play as she caught the ball in right field than ran to first to catch a runner who had taken off. Justin made a great over the shoulder catch in center. Kevin made a nice play in right as he threw out a runner at first base. Keara and Val also had good games at short and second. Unfortunately our offense couldn't get going. Mike was able to get on base but we were completely shut down ultimately losing 1-0 in a very close game as their only run came via a tag up from a runner on third on a foul ball catch. - Sam B.
Boca Cabana 5 over Don't Come on My Base 1
Thursday's game between the Boca Cabana and DCOMB was as most would expect another tight game. The scoring was tough to come by. Both teams were held without a run until the second inning when Boca was able to sneak in a run. A couple close plays on the bags and some even closer at home limited the scoring between the two offensive dynamos. In the end, it was a few runs that separated these two teams formerly known as Sacks n' Racks. Both teams will head eagerly and confidently into the WAKA playoffs. - Andrew B.
Melon Farming Ninjas 7 over Slim Kickins 2
To be a successful farmer, one must be patient. The sweet delicious melons of victory do not spring forth from the ground without careful prompting and painstaking preparation. They take time and cultivation, sweat and tears, funky awards and dinner at the Chateau to get their fruits to blossom. After suffering a three week losing streak, patience paid off as finally the Ninjas were able to harvest a bounty of runs and secure a victory and the third seed in the playoffs. The hero of the game was Paul, whose pitching limited the Kickins to two runs, and whose big kick in the fourth inning busted the game open. Paul was ably assisted by a total Ninja effort, lead by the defensive prowesses of Jacqui, Jen and Paige, the on base-skilling of David P and Andrew, and the cheering section of Sam and Sara. Now let's see if this yield will continue to increase as we move steathily and melony into the playoffs. - David M.
PART IV: "They queue up for tickets to see the performance. They push to get closer, looking upwards with wonder. We are the actors, the cameras are rolling. I'll be Ben Gazzara, you'll be Gena Rowlands." - The Hold Steady
PART V: "Nembutal,numbs it all. But I prefer alcohol!" - The Clash
Announcements, Announcements Announcements
SHOPPER'S CAFE: Only Three More Weeks Left to Party at Shopper's. Please stop by post game and thank them for all they've done for us this year!
PHOTOS: We'll do thank you's next week, but as always this newsletter would like far far shittier with out Tim. Thank him for his effort as player and photographer. If you have any photos you can send them to me Here:
GAME TIME: Sunset tonight is 7:35pm. This means games have to start on time. Please be at the field 15 minutes before your secheduled game start. For teams playing the second game, start as soon as the first game finishes.
PART V: "It's all in the movies. It won't happen to us I know. That's all in the movies. Just a bad picture show." - Merle Haggard
Now is the time of the season that separates the closers from the weak, regardless of the strength of your leads. So will you be drinking coffee and driving a brand new cadillac (Happy Birthday Joe), or just picking your fingernails with your new set of steak knives while you are out on your ass? The choice is yours. Don't believe me? Ask Alec Baldwin. (NSFW)
- David, GMOT Editor
Boca Cabana 5 over Don't Come on My Base 1
Thursday's game between the Boca Cabana and DCOMB was as most would expect another tight game. The scoring was tough to come by. Both teams were held without a run until the second inning when Boca was able to sneak in a run. A couple close plays on the bags and some even closer at home limited the scoring between the two offensive dynamos. In the end, it was a few runs that separated these two teams formerly known as Sacks n' Racks. Both teams will head eagerly and confidently into the WAKA playoffs. - Andrew B.Melon Farming Ninjas 7 over Slim Kickins 2
To be a successful farmer, one must be patient. The sweet delicious melons of victory do not spring forth from the ground without careful prompting and painstaking preparation. They take time and cultivation, sweat and tears, funky awards and dinner at the Chateau to get their fruits to blossom. After suffering a three week losing streak, patience paid off as finally the Ninjas were able to harvest a bounty of runs and secure a victory and the third seed in the playoffs. The hero of the game was Paul, whose pitching limited the Kickins to two runs, and whose big kick in the fourth inning busted the game open. Paul was ably assisted by a total Ninja effort, lead by the defensive prowesses of Jacqui, Jen and Paige, the on base-skilling of David P and Andrew, and the cheering section of Sam and Sara. Now let's see if this yield will continue to increase as we move steathily and melony into the playoffs. - David M.
PART IV: "They queue up for tickets to see the performance. They push to get closer, looking upwards with wonder. We are the actors, the cameras are rolling. I'll be Ben Gazzara, you'll be Gena Rowlands." - The Hold Steady
PART V: "Nembutal,numbs it all. But I prefer alcohol!" - The Clash
Announcements, Announcements Announcements
SHOPPER'S CAFE: Only Three More Weeks Left to Party at Shopper's. Please stop by post game and thank them for all they've done for us this year!PHOTOS: We'll do thank you's next week, but as always this newsletter would like far far shittier with out Tim. Thank him for his effort as player and photographer. If you have any photos you can send them to me Here:
GAME TIME: Sunset tonight is 7:35pm. This means games have to start on time. Please be at the field 15 minutes before your secheduled game start. For teams playing the second game, start as soon as the first game finishes.
PART V: "It's all in the movies. It won't happen to us I know. That's all in the movies. Just a bad picture show." - Merle Haggard
Now is the time of the season that separates the closers from the weak, regardless of the strength of your leads. So will you be drinking coffee and driving a brand new cadillac (Happy Birthday Joe), or just picking your fingernails with your new set of steak knives while you are out on your ass? The choice is yours. Don't believe me? Ask Alec Baldwin. (NSFW)
Good luck and happy kicking,
