The Award Winning Official Newsletter of the MA Commonwealth Division
"I'd like to live as a poor kickball player with lots of money"
Table of Contents:
I: Just Leave the Check on the Dresser.
II: Recaps
III: Schedule and Standings
IV: Announcements
V: Straight Cash Homey
PART I: "If you wanna go and take a ride wit me. We three-wheelin in the fo' with the gold D's. Oh why do I live this way? (Hey, must be the money!)" - Nelly
As the Powerball jackpot approaches the $500 million dollar mark, lottery fever will once again grip people, with the media and the states pushing people to spend money on absurdly low chances, for the chance of winning a life-altering sum. The societal benefits of state run lotteries are mixed to negative, and an individual's odds of winning are so small as to be ludicrous, yet we buy into the fantasy every time. III: Schedule and Standings
IV: Announcements
V: Straight Cash Homey
PART I: "If you wanna go and take a ride wit me. We three-wheelin in the fo' with the gold D's. Oh why do I live this way? (Hey, must be the money!)" - Nelly
The only real winner in every lottery is Shirley Jackson. For those of you who endured high school literature, or watched The Simpsons in their first 10 season, you know Jackson well. In 1948 she wrote the most controversial short story in the history of the New Yorker, "The Lottery." Set in a small town modeled after Bennington, VT, every year the town would hold a lottery. Instead of fulfilling the caviar dreams and champagne wishes (does anyone else remember "The Lifestyles of the Rich and Famous". It was like MTV Cribs, but only with taste.) the winner of the lottery would *SPOILER* be stoned to death by the townsfolk. Hopefully as people google about the lottery, they'll take the time to read this dark, chilling work of modern American literature.
With that said, since I am winning this powerball, I've decided to give gifts to each team. And since I will be filthy stinking rich, these gifts will be over the top in the finest tradition of TGS with Tracy Jordan star, Tracy Jordan. (Hey, I'm getting more current with my TV references. 30 Rock only ended this spring! Unlike last week when I shamelessly pimped a show whose finally aired in 1993.)
Pecan Sandies: Last year, as Dirty Mike and the Boys, you battled for the league championship dressed in rags, jorts, cut-offs, and other fashion flotsam and jetsom. Africans living in unfathomable poverty due to war, famine, and the horrors of post-Colonialistic Africa, who accept discarded hockey jerseys and the championship gear of the teams that lose America's sports titles (I just know that when I go to Africa, I will see a boy wearing a 2013 Boston Bruins Stanley Cup Championship t-shirt, and I will weep. Weep.) to wear, wouldn't even want what you wore last year. So to lift up your spirits and brighten your lives, I will dress you in luxury, with the authentic costumes worn by Michael Douglas and Matt Damon in "Behind the Candelabra" the documentary about the life of Liberace. And for the team captain, I'll even purchase the suit that Liberace was cryogenically frozen in! Instead of shaming your opponents with poverty, you can now blind them with luxury! And these new duds will be hand delivered by Danny Devito himself. Now, you may have to do some kinky things to get them from him, but hey, it's the thought that counts. Right?
Saved By The Balls: You guys are awesome. And to celebrate your awesomeness, you will each get personalized greetings from none other than your former Principal Mr. Belding. Also not only will the greeting be personalized for you, the script will be written by none other than Joe Esterhaus, the screen writer behind Basic Instinct and the Elizabeth Berkeley vehicle to mediocrity Showgirls! This will then be followed by the delivery of 1 dozen cupcakes sprinkled with 18 carat edible goal leaf, brought to you by none other than Dustin Diamond and Mario Lopex, because well, they were available.
Don't Come on My Base: First in your showcase, will be properly colored neon green shirts....HANDMADE BY AMERICANS AND NOT BY A BANGLEDESHI CHILDREN BURIED IN THE RUBBLE OF POORLY CONSTRUCTED FACTORY. (Too soon?) You will be able to wear your new threads on a regulation WAKA kickball field build on a levitating platform, so you are able to hover all across the Greater Boston area while challenging teams to play aerial kickball games (and avoiding pigeons). And don't worry for those of you not cleared to fly a kickball field, your new field will be piloted by none other than Chesley "Sully" Sullenberger, the pilot who safely landed his plane in the Hudson River. The stewards and stewardesses on your fight will be the cast of the MTV's Real World, Season II.
Slim Kickins: Since your team name is one of those really boring kickball puns, that offers this newsletter very little to work with (seriously, you can only go to the minor character in a Steinbeck novel well only so often) I've decided to hire the minds at Mad Men's Sterling Cooper to rebrand your team, and come up with a kickball name that not only is sexy, but it will be a name that you can all have actual sexual intercourse with.It will be like Max Power and one of those creepy Tracy Jordan sex-dolls rolled up into one!
Legion of Doom: This was something we've been working on for awhile, but Stephen had to use it last night after the Daft Punk Debacle. Oh well, everyone needs a little Henry Kissinger in their lives.
Menace 2 Sobriety: For your lottery showcase, you will first receive a trip to the legendary Betty Ford Clinic, so you can be all sobered up for your mind blowing trip to LAS VEGAS!. You will spend four days in room right below the Real World: Las Vegas suite at The Palms (now that it has been disinfected and no longer causes contact clap). You will star in your own Las Vegas show, a mash up production of Thunder from Down Under and Mamma Mia known as "Thunder in Your Mamma, Mia: The Frank Roth Story" with the music written by Marvin Hamlisch' non-unionized Ukranian equivalent п'яний фортепіано, and directed by the legendary Esteban Spielbergo. After your one night only performance, you will then be whisked to the 5am show at Cheetahs, followed by breakfast at the Golden Girls Themed Restaurant "Blanche" now open at The Hooters Casino, perform in a court TV re-enactment of the Binion trial, and be personally escorted to each location by Pete Rose and one of the Kardashian....cousins!
Melon Farming Ninjas: As your team captain, I reward you every week with my wisdom, presence, awards, aprons of famous Renaissance statues and of course, my precious bodily fluids. (Ewwww) Still, I love you guys, so I've hired famed artists Christo and Jeanne-Claude, the renowned artists who once covered the Reichstag in Berlin in fabric (oh no, not the Reichstag) to cover Lowell Field with Melons dressed as....wait for it.... Ninjas! Oh and Christo and Jeanne-Claude will not use just any melons, but the famous and rare Dansuke melons from Japan, whose seeds were planted by none other than Emperor Hirohito himself ON THE DAY
(Editor's Note: I did not win the lottery. So now I return to my day job of manually masturbating exotic animals for the purpose of commercial food additives and other industrial uses. Today's species: The Echidna. Which reminds me, I hope you all enjoy your Starbucks today.)
PART II: "I filled my pockets now I might as well - Die! cause I found the backdoor out of teenage hell - all right! Filed my account cause I might in fact - Die! But I rely on science, yeah to bring me back - all right. I-I-I-I 'm gonna die-die-die-die. Heavy morals seem so light but when it comes to cash I'm gonna die all right!" - The Hives
Legion of Doom 6 over Don't Come on My Base 2
It’s nice isn’t it? To stand out here on a kickball field. … I couldn’t stand looking through the fridge trying to find room for all that beer we’re gonna drink in the next few days. … I just can’t let anything get fucked up in these next few days, cause that’s all anybody will ever remember about DCOMB. There’s one thing you could always say about DCOMB even when we are losing; that team is fun. When I got outta the car at Shoppers, you know after DCOMB lost, I remember I was more afraid of drinking a whole tower than I ever was of being up to kick. I loved DCOMB, the most. ‘Cause when we were playin’ on that field that night, it was like we were the last two teams on earth. Excited. Wanting. And it’s really starting to piss me off, WAKA, because I can’t cry that we lost. My own little team and I can’t even cry for them. … I just want to win one more time. We were season fuckin’ champs last year.....
It’s nice isn’t it? To stand out here on a kickball field. … I couldn’t stand looking through the fridge trying to find room for all that beer we’re gonna drink in the next few days. … I just can’t let anything get fucked up in these next few days, cause that’s all anybody will ever remember about DCOMB. There’s one thing you could always say about DCOMB even when we are losing; that team is fun. When I got outta the car at Shoppers, you know after DCOMB lost, I remember I was more afraid of drinking a whole tower than I ever was of being up to kick. I loved DCOMB, the most. ‘Cause when we were playin’ on that field that night, it was like we were the last two teams on earth. Excited. Wanting. And it’s really starting to piss me off, WAKA, because I can’t cry that we lost. My own little team and I can’t even cry for them. … I just want to win one more time. We were season fuckin’ champs last year.....
......Okay, so perhaps it's not best to watch Mystic River right before writing a recap. - Ilana M-M.
Pecan Sandies 3 over Menace 2 Sobriety 0
The Pecan Sandies manufactured a 3-0 victory over Menace 2 Sobriety during Week 6 play at Lowell Playground. In his return game, after a month’s long break away from the team, Tim O was the Pecan MVP going 2 for 2 with a run scored, rbi, and injecting the team with much needed energy. Kristina also provided the team with a nice bunt single, allowing Tedeschi to make a mad dash around the bases that included a beautiful head first slide into third base. After a week off, BDO returned to the hill rested and it showed in him pitching a CGSHO, thanks to some solid outfield defense provided by Derek, Forge, and Tyler. - Jason K.
Menace 2 Sobriety narrowly avoided having to forfeit as we were able to lure Melissa to the game. Luckily for us she showed up as she made some amazing catches in the outfield. Unfortunately our offense didn't show up as we were shutout for the first time this season. Val was able to get to first on an infield hit. Despite his best effort to not bat and not try Frank "The Tank" kicked a solid single to the outfield. Our defense kept it close. Steve and Tracy each made great catches in the outfield and Val played well at second base. Mike made a nice play at catcher to get a runner out at home.- Sam B.
Boca Cabana 6 over Saved By the Balls 0
Last Thursday, Lowell Field was the place to be. There was a kickball battle between the Boca Cabana and Saved by the balls. The Staff from both The Boca Bar and The Max were in attendance along with the dog from the movie Beethoven. The battle between the Boca Cabana and Saved by the balls was a hard fought one. Neither team scored runs early as the defense was outstanding. It wasn't until the third inning that Boca was able to put together a big inning fueled by a monster homerun by first year player Dave M. The rest of the game was defense as both teams' sprayed balls into the outfield forcing players like Ashley M. into making diving and sliding catches as the game came to a close. The players and fans fled to Shoppers cafe to watch Boca Cabana force their captain to try every shot they could think of for his birthday. - Andrew B.
Slim Kickins 4 over Melon Farming Ninjas 1
Two wins in a row for Slim Kickins as they upset the Ninjas 4-1. It was a heated pitching match, but Machine Gun Melly closed it out and only let one run score. Slim Kickins took the early lead, but the Ninjas tied it up in the top of the 2nd. SK was able to score 3 more runs and hold the lead. Slim Kickins had some crucial defensive plays by Scott(s), Craig, Matt, and Brian. Both teams seemed shocked by the outcome, but it was an overall great matchup.- Megan S
Pecan Sandies 3 over Menace 2 Sobriety 0
The Pecan Sandies manufactured a 3-0 victory over Menace 2 Sobriety during Week 6 play at Lowell Playground. In his return game, after a month’s long break away from the team, Tim O was the Pecan MVP going 2 for 2 with a run scored, rbi, and injecting the team with much needed energy. Kristina also provided the team with a nice bunt single, allowing Tedeschi to make a mad dash around the bases that included a beautiful head first slide into third base. After a week off, BDO returned to the hill rested and it showed in him pitching a CGSHO, thanks to some solid outfield defense provided by Derek, Forge, and Tyler. - Jason K.
Menace 2 Sobriety narrowly avoided having to forfeit as we were able to lure Melissa to the game. Luckily for us she showed up as she made some amazing catches in the outfield. Unfortunately our offense didn't show up as we were shutout for the first time this season. Val was able to get to first on an infield hit. Despite his best effort to not bat and not try Frank "The Tank" kicked a solid single to the outfield. Our defense kept it close. Steve and Tracy each made great catches in the outfield and Val played well at second base. Mike made a nice play at catcher to get a runner out at home.- Sam B.
Boca Cabana 6 over Saved By the Balls 0
Last Thursday, Lowell Field was the place to be. There was a kickball battle between the Boca Cabana and Saved by the balls. The Staff from both The Boca Bar and The Max were in attendance along with the dog from the movie Beethoven. The battle between the Boca Cabana and Saved by the balls was a hard fought one. Neither team scored runs early as the defense was outstanding. It wasn't until the third inning that Boca was able to put together a big inning fueled by a monster homerun by first year player Dave M. The rest of the game was defense as both teams' sprayed balls into the outfield forcing players like Ashley M. into making diving and sliding catches as the game came to a close. The players and fans fled to Shoppers cafe to watch Boca Cabana force their captain to try every shot they could think of for his birthday. - Andrew B.
Slim Kickins 4 over Melon Farming Ninjas 1
Two wins in a row for Slim Kickins as they upset the Ninjas 4-1. It was a heated pitching match, but Machine Gun Melly closed it out and only let one run score. Slim Kickins took the early lead, but the Ninjas tied it up in the top of the 2nd. SK was able to score 3 more runs and hold the lead. Slim Kickins had some crucial defensive plays by Scott(s), Craig, Matt, and Brian. Both teams seemed shocked by the outcome, but it was an overall great matchup.- Megan S
It was a tough week for the Ninjas as a valiant and fiesty Slim Kickins team was able to hold them to just a single run. It was not as if the Ninjas had their chances, as they were able to get base runners on in every inning except the 5th. However lack of the big hit bit them in the butt, like a rabid bunny guarding a cave in a Monty Python movie. (RUNAWAY!) Play of the game went to Jeff, whose acrobatic near catch was immortalized in photographs by Tim, and the source of much enjoyment by his friends and well wishers around the world. Soild play by Jen E, who is having a League MVP caliber season, Big Nick, and regular sized Nick was noteworthy as was Jacqui's production from the lead off spot. - David M.
PART III: "You play the guitar on the MTV. That ain't workin' that's the way you do it
Money for nothin' and your chicks for free." - Dire Straights
6:30PM
Diamond:
Pecan Sandies v. Melon Farming Ninjas - Ref Legion of Doom
Grass:
Menace 2 Sobriety v. Boca Cabana- Ref Don't Come on My Base
7:15PM
Diamond
Saved By The Balls v. Legion of Doom- Ref Melon Farming Ninjas
Grass
Slim Kickins v. Don't Come on My Base - Ref Boca Cabana
PART IV: "Hey little girl, you broke the laws. You hustle, you deal, you steal from us all. Come on come on, love me for the money. Come on, come on. listen to the money talk. Money talks." - AC/DC
Announcements, Announcements Announcements
SHOPPER'S CAFE: Come to Shoppers. Stay for the Mystery Week Schedule Reveal!
PHOTOS: Gimme Photos! Here:
SUNLIGHT: As we move deeper into August we will lose the sun. So please get to the field on time so we can start games and avoid shortened games. This is especially important during the playoffs.
PART III: "You play the guitar on the MTV. That ain't workin' that's the way you do it
Money for nothin' and your chicks for free." - Dire Straights
Standings:
Schedule:
6:30PM
Diamond:
Pecan Sandies v. Melon Farming Ninjas - Ref Legion of Doom
Grass:
Menace 2 Sobriety v. Boca Cabana- Ref Don't Come on My Base
7:15PM
Diamond
Saved By The Balls v. Legion of Doom- Ref Melon Farming Ninjas
Grass
Slim Kickins v. Don't Come on My Base - Ref Boca Cabana
PART IV: "Hey little girl, you broke the laws. You hustle, you deal, you steal from us all. Come on come on, love me for the money. Come on, come on. listen to the money talk. Money talks." - AC/DC
Announcements, Announcements Announcements
SHOPPER'S CAFE: Come to Shoppers. Stay for the Mystery Week Schedule Reveal!
PHOTOS: Gimme Photos! Here:
SUNLIGHT: As we move deeper into August we will lose the sun. So please get to the field on time so we can start games and avoid shortened games. This is especially important during the playoffs.
ANTI-SOCIAL MEDIA: Follow the league on Twitter and Facebook.
PART V: "Money it's a crimeShare it fairly but don't take a slice of my pie. Money so they say, Is the root of all evil today. But if you ask for a raise it's no surprise that they're giving none away." - Pink Floyd
Can't do a money themed Ghost Man without Cash. Johnny "MF" Cash, that is with a bonus of a little Clash, just to keep us honest. Cause I just like to live that way, and love to steal your money.
Good luck and happy kicking,
- David, GMOT Editor
PART V: "Money it's a crimeShare it fairly but don't take a slice of my pie. Money so they say, Is the root of all evil today. But if you ask for a raise it's no surprise that they're giving none away." - Pink Floyd
Can't do a money themed Ghost Man without Cash. Johnny "MF" Cash, that is with a bonus of a little Clash, just to keep us honest. Cause I just like to live that way, and love to steal your money.
- David, GMOT Editor
