Summer Edition - Escape is Never the Safest Bet Blues

The  Award Winning Official Newsletter of the MA Commonwealth Division

"Back later. Gone Kickin"  

The Week Five: "He's been working so hard, I've been working too babe. Every day baby. Yeah yeah yeah yeah. We gotta get out of this place, if its the last thing we ever do.We gotta get out of this place. Girl, there's a better life for me and you." - The Animals

Table of Contents: 
I: The McQueen of Cool 
II: Recaps
III: Schedule and Standings
IV: Announcements
V: Born to Run

PART I: "An' here I go again on my own. Goin' down the only road I've ever known, Like a drifter, I was born to walk alone." - Whitesnake

Human beings are endowed with a great desire to roam. From our humble evolutionary beginnings, the desire to seek new lands, adventures, resources, terrible Charlie Sheen movies,(which one? I know, I know) or simply the desire to ride on motorcycles and jump chain link fences to escape Nazis, Getting away (Getaway. Getaway. Stay away, Getaway) even just for a little while has coursed through our blood with the potency and frequency of rum drinks in a Caribbean island resort. Even as we are fully engaged in our current kickball season, fighting in the trenches with ball and bounce, striving constantly towards Immortal Kickball Glory, we fell the great pull of summer time and vacation beckoning at us like a siren song on when the waitress brings out the free wings at Shoppers. 

So to aid our wanderlust, I've contacted my travel agent to suggest various destinations for the teams of the MA Commonwealth league. While only one team will arrive at the true destination of Immortal Kickball Glory, for those that make it, these suggestions maybe just the place for teams to drown their disappointment and sorrows. Here are the suggestions my agent sent me via email today. 

Slim Kickins = "For the Slimmers, might I suggest The Gambia. One of the slimmest nations in the world, The Gambia at it's widest point is only 30 miles across. It is surrounded completely by Senegal to the East, North and South, and the Atlantic Ocean on the West. If you set up a country that was 15 miles north and south of the Charles River, you'd have The Gambia. Only with more hipsters."


Boca Cabana = " Now the obvious destination for Boca Cabana would be the world famous Copacabana beach in Rio De Janerio, Brazil. However that's a bit too on the nose, and frankly no one wants to see anyone on team Boca Cabana in speedo thongs, doing the lambada, and being whisked away in Brazil's convenient "kidnapping cabs". So my travel agent also suggested the city of Banjul, in The Gambia. Located in the mouth of The Gambia river, (and Boca means mouth in Spanish) this would be a perfect place for a team that likes puns about the word mouth and tropical destinations."

Saved by The Balls = "If they are in the mood for getting in touch with their highschool past, my agent suggests a return to Bayside. However, since no one really likes high school reunions, or dredging up the horrific memories from that time you were watching that version of Romeo and Juliet that all the teachers make you watch, only they fast forward through the brief nudity during the most famous "Oh Romeo, Oh Romeo" scene, yet because you were a raging adolescent teen male, you had to walk around with your book bag in front of your nether regions, for fear of embarrassment and/or unwanted admiration, just for seeing half a second of what could have been a nipple behind those lines on the TV that occurred when you fast forward a VHS tape. So instead of going to Bayside Highschool in California, my agent suggests a different Bayside, the bayside of Serrukunda, the largest city of The Gambia."  (Wait a second...)


Pecan Sandies = For a team so fond of, yet divided by the proper way to pronounce pecans, no country in the world embodies the North South divide in that Dr. Seuss Butter side up, butter side down war, as The Gambia. It's a narrow country literally split in the middle by a river and the great philosophical question of our time. Is it pe-cans or pe-khans? Did you know that The Gambia is famous for it's peanut production? It's like Georgia (the moonshine swilling one, not the vodka swilling one) only in The Gambia we speak English and care about professional sports teams."

Ladies and gentlemen, an editorial note, I've fired my travel agent, who turns out was simply the Minister for Tourism for The Gambia. I know. I'm as shocked as you guys. Anyway, so I've hired a new travel agent who will offer suggests for the rest of the league.

Menace 2 Sobriety = "Burn Fat and Grow Your Peni$ size while you Slep" . Oops, cut and pasted the wrong email. "Dear Sir, here is a suggested vacation nation for your friend Menace 2. Sobriety. Mr. Sobriety sounds like an interesting character. His fear of women AND the kickball is quite stunning. Reminds me of a guy I know from your area named Frank. Do you know him? Probably not. I'm sure there are a lot of Franks in your area. Probably to go with all the beans you people eat. Get it, Franks and Beans. HA! Anyway, moving on, based on the profile you filled out, the best place for Mr. Sobriety would be a Rush concert. The band that is not menacing (what Canadians are menacing?), don't play kickball, 99% of attendees of a Rush concert are men, the odds of running into a woman you will have an awkward moment or a kickball are very very low. If you can tolerate the mindless spouting of libertarian dogma and not knowing if the lead singer is a chick with a soul patch or a dude, Mr. Sobriety should have a blast. P.S. If Rush isn't touring, might I suggest The Gambia? I hear it's a great place. At least that's what this guy who is emailing me about cheap Viagr-uh, Viaducts is telling me."


Melon Farming Ninjas: = "For your friend Melon F. Ninja, might I suggest Istanbul, not Constantinople. I cannot stress this enough. If you tell someone to meet you in Constantinople, she will be waiting in Istanbul. The reasons why I think Mr. Ninja would enjoy Istanbul, besides straddling two continents, and the rich cultural traditions of one of the great crossroads of the world, Turkey is also one of the leading watermelon producing nations in the world. Melons a plenty in Istanbul. Plus you can walk around making Turkey jokes and singing They Might Be Giant songs, because yeah, the locals HAVE NEVER HEARD NORTH AMERICANS MAKING THOSE JOKES BEFORE."


Legion of Doom = "For Mrs. Doom, I suggest she visit Mayapore, India. I've booked her several nights at the lovely and exotic Pankot Palace. This quirkly castle features many secret hidden passages filled with an array of natural wildlife and comical hired thugs, comfortable, though slippery beds, and possibly a mine filled with child laborers beneath the palace's foundations. But that is just local superstition. Entertainment includes a wild ride in tracked mining carts, an authentic rock wall for climbing, complete with man eating crocodiles in the river below, and  a rickety suspension bridge that provides hours of entertainment for the entire family or the aforementioned river with the man eating crocodiles. Every night you will feast on the bounty of the land, fresh monkey brains, eyeball soup, and of course the Michelin rated delicacy of live baby snakes. Mrs. Doom will definitely leave her heart at Dr. Ma Kali's health spa (if she doesn't have it ripped out of her chest.) where their innovative magma immersion technique will just melt away the fat (and most of your skin and flesh as well.)

Dont Come on My Base = "For the members of Don't Come on My Base, might I suggest a lovely two day excursion to Climax, Saskatchewan, because frankly, if you want to have a sexual entendre, there is no better place to do it than Climax. Well, maybe Knockemstiff, Ohio, Intercourse, Pennsylvania, Pussay, France, and Cleveland, Ohio. And I'll stop here before I get hit with a sexual harassment suit. Thank you, come again!"PART II:" Every step of the way we walk the line. Your days are numbered, so are mine. Time is pilin’ up, we struggle and we scrape. We’re all boxed in, nowhere to escape." - Bob Dylan

Menace 2 Sobriety 5 over Slim Kickins 0 (forfeit)

Menace 2 Sobriety picked up their first win of the season in impressive fashion, via forfeit. The new logo we made must have scared the Slim Kickins away. We hope other teams will forfeit against as well so that we can pick up a few more wins! Without a team to play we were forced to hold a scrimmage and work on our skills. - Sam B.

Melon Farming Ninjas 5 over Legion of Doom 0 (forfeit)

In the Social Media logo contest, the Ninjas called The Legion of Doom, the Legion of Whom?. The LOD took that too seriously, as they failed to field the four females necessary for a full game facillitating a forfeit. So what was a much anticipated matchup between some former members of the MA Minuteman League's Ex-Presidents II: Frontier Justice, turned out to be a rather spirited and well fought scrimmage. Watched by the second generation of Ninjas, their parent Ninjas jumped out to an early 2-0 lead, with runs scored by Andrew and Jen, and big kicks by Paul and Mike. Nick, Paul and Big Nick pitched, and the defense was lead by Paige playing a new position in center field. The Medallion of Strength went to Kyla, who powered home the winning run and the Sword of Honor went to Paige for her outfieldian prowess. - David M.
The Pecan Sandies 5 over Saved by The Balls 1


Boca Cabana 10 over Slim Kickins1

This past spring, these two teams played as one behemoth known as Sacks n Racks. So this clash of springtime teammates, dubbed as the "mid-season world series", was just as exciting as we all thought it would be. The game started out in heated fashion as catcher Brett M of Boca kicked Andrea J of DCOMB in the knee and was forced to end her night. The match-up started out with limited runs as the pitching and defense ran hot. Boca Cabana eventually took a lead in the third inning going up 2-1, but that didn't last long as DCOMB took it right back scoring two in the bottom of the third. Boca cabana managed to tie the game late in the fourth when hit-man Brett M sent a sacrifice fly deep to right center. It seemed only fitting that this grudge match be decided in the fifth inning. Caitlin C had a huge hit sending runners to first and second sparking a four run fifth inning for the Cabana which would just be a  little too much for DCOMB to overcome. It was a game for the ages and I'm sure we will see this matchup again somewhere down the line. - Andrew B. 

PART IV: "I'm goin' down the river, down to New Orleans. They tell me everything is gonna be all right. But I don't know what all right even means" - Bob Dylan

Standings:

View full standings here: 

Schedule:

6:30PM

Diamond:
Slim Kickins v.Pecan Sandies  - Ref Menace 2 Sobriety

Grass:
Melon Farming Ninjas v. Don't Come on My Base - Ref Legion of Doom

7:15PM

Diamond 
Menace 2 Sobriety v. Saved By The Balls - Ref Slim Kickins

Grass
Legion of Doom v. Boca Cabana - Ref Melon Farming Ninjas

PART V: "That you like Pina Coladas, getting caught in the rain,  and the feel of the ocean, and the taste of champagne. If you'd like making love at midnight, in the dunes off the Cape, you're the lady I've looked for, come with me and escape." - Rupert Holmes
Announcements, Announcements Announcements

SHOPPER'S CAFE: COME TO OUR LEAGUE BAR, SHOPPERS CAFE. EAT ALL THE FOODS. DRINK ALL THE BEERS. SHOOT ALL THE BUCKHUNTERS. 

PHOTOS: Since Tim is playing this year, we need photos of the games that don't occur when Legion of Doom is playing. Please submit anything you got here.  Thanks as always to Tim for his continued contributions.

FORFEITS: Ti Per WAKA rules, teams with three or more forfeits will be inelligible for the post season. Obviously it is summer and the sweet dulcet tones of being anywhere but here will lull many of you to other places during kickball season. Still, for a game to be legal, each team needs a minimum four males and four female players. Teams who have earned forfeits, please be cognizant of that going forward. 

ANTI-SOCIAL MEDIA: Follow the league on Twitter and Facebook. 

PART VI: "Drifting, drifting, drifting away. I feel like going back there, but never for long. I sometimes wonder if they know that I'm gone. I'm just drifting, drifting along." - Pearl Jam

Frankie says, "Relax...cause the highway's jammed with broken heroes, on a last chance power drive. Everybody is out on the run tonight, and there's nowhere left to hide. Seriously"

Good luck and happy kicking,
- David, GMOT Editor