Ghost Man on Third: The Kick Off The Jams Edition

The  Award Winning Official Newsletter of the MA Commonwealth Division

"I love the smell of kickball in the summer. Smells like victory"  

OPENING WEEK: " It's time. It's time. It's time. TO KICK OUT THE JAMS, MUTHERF#CKAHS"  - MC5

Table of Contents: 

I: Kicky Thump 

II: A Swift One

III: Schedule

IV: Announcements

V: Toe Heel Kick Turn, Turn Heel Kick Turn

PART I: "A kick to the teeth is good for some. A kiss with a fist is better than none" - Florence + The Machine

Welcome, welcome, welcome my friends, to another glorious season of World Adult Kickball Association kickball action here in the MA Commonwealth Division. For you returning veterans, you have been reading my lunatic rantings for several seasons now, so you know what this here thing is all about. For those of you new to MA Commonwealth, the Ghost Man on Third is our weekly newsletter, providing you recaps of the previous weeks games, news, commentary, full frontal nudity (note: does not contain full frontal nudity), rumors, innuendo, conspiracy theories, recipes for babaganoush and mushy peas, paeans, speeches, dirges,pontifications, white papers, circular letters, blatant inflammatory propaganda,  samizdat, and lies, damnable lies, all in an extremely dated format, using song lyrics from (mostly) dated bands.  Why? I have no effing clue. 

This space is for you, the kickabrigian, as we make our journey to the state of grace known as IMMORTAL KICKBALL GLORY. It's the reason why on every Thursday we don the cleats and shirts of our teams, whether we be Ninjas, Teleballin, Busters of Balls, Pumped up Kicks, Base Comers, Mike and his Boys, Nuggets, or have The Runs!, to climb the precipice of the kickball season to reach that Elysium of triumph known as the Division Title. 

As we make the journey to this land of epic kickballian bliss, this newsletter is the chronicle of that journey so that in a thousand years, some kid bored of looking at hyper porn or playing Angry Birds, can come back and revisit the trials and tribulations of a bunch of twenty and thirty somethings playing a school yard game. Doesn't that make life seem worth living? Yay! 

So, this space is your space. Feel free to send in photos, stories, poems, limericks, or any other creation. Please, no vampire or zombie fiction or stories set in primal dystopias that blatantly rip off the plot to Highlander, only without the immortals. Thank you. 

PART II: "Won't somebody testify. Kick a hole right in the sky. Testify, testify kick a hole right in the sky. Slap a liar in his eye. Kick a hole right in the sky. Testify, testify kick a hole right in the sky " - Red Hot Chili Peppers

Normally, this is the space where recaps from the previous week's action occurs. While I am certainly potent, I am not omnipotent; I cannot see and do not know all of you yet. Therefore this section depends completely on each team submitting a recap for each game, winner and loser. Please think of the future children who will someday read this and see here, preserved for all eternity, the exploits of his or her mother or father. Captains (or a team member designated by their captain) can submit their recap to me via the email address here. Won't someone PLEASE think of the children. 

Instead of recapping games that did not take place (except in the smoking crater of my mind. Hey, I got a hit last week, woo!), here is a list of changes and similarities for those of you who have not kickballed since you were children, in a segment I like to call "Then and Now".

THEN: You were just beginning school with the idea that when you got out you'd be an adult, have a cool job, and could stay up past your bed time.
NOW: You have finished school with several degrees, but thanks to the economy work at Starbucks, and while you know you could stay up past your bed time, you're tired and fuck it you gotta work tomorrow.

THEN: You feared getting picked last and spending the next decade of your life trying to overcome that shame.
NOW: You just unfriend those who picked you last on Facebook.

THEN: The adults were the coaches and umpires and they all sounded like the adults in a Peanuts cartoon.
NOW: WAH-WAH. WAH WAH WAH WAH WAH WAH WHAH HAH.

THEN: You possessed a legitimate fear of the ball because it was as big as your head and coming at you at a great speed.
NOW: The ball still seems as big as your head and is coming towards you at a greater speed, but that's all because you are either drunk, stoned, or are just old. (Drinking on the field and engaging in other illegal activities is strictly prohibited, and may result in suspension and forfeiture of the season, plus criminal penalties.)

THEN: You had to have your mom help you tie your shoes, or you were like me and wore velcro.
NOW: Sure you can tie your own shoes, but why be bothered when velcro is so cool?

THEN: People made fun of you when you wore weird colors.
NOW: People still make fun of you, but at least now you aren't the only one dressed funny.

THEN: Old white men and oil companies were in control
NOW: Old white men and oil companies are in control

THEN: To refresh yourself, you would drink from a small box.
NOW: To refreresh yourself, you drink from a small bar, our league sponsor The Boca Bar.

THEN: You made fun of people who drew walks in kickball
NOW: You make fun of people who draw walks in kickball

THEN: The rules were confusing, you didn't know how to run the bases, and catching the ball was a minor miracle.
NOW: This pretty much hasn't changed at all.

PART III:" Kickstart my heart. Hope it never stops. And to think, we did all of this... To rock "- Motley Crue (Again, I can't find the umlaut)

Schedule:

6:30PM

Dirt: 

Teleballin' v. Ninjapocalypse Now

Referee: Dirty Mike and the Boys

Grass:

Looking to Bust Balls v. We've Got the Runs!

Referee: Pumped Up Kicks

7:15pm 

Dirt: 

Kickin' Nuggets v. Dirty Mike and the Boys

Referee: Ninjapocalypse Now

Grass:

Don't Come on My Base v. Pumped Up Kicks

Referee: Looking to Bust Balls

PART IV:"Some get their kicks from cocaine. I'm sure that if I took even one sniff, that would bore me terrifically too. I get a kick out of you" - Cole Porter

Announcements, Announcements Announcements

ALCOHOL: Drinking in public is illegal in Waltham. This is especially true on public playgrounds, such as Lowell field. At least once a season, a Waltham Police comes by and watches us, so do not bring alcoholic beverages to the field. That is why we have Boca Bar. Drinking on the field could not only result in civil or criminal penalties, but is also cause for the league's permit to be cancelled by Waltham, thus the end of the season. 

TEAMS: Games are scheduled to start at 6:30 and 7:15pm. There is a fifteen minute grace period, but if a team does not have the minimum 4 male and 4 female players in that time, then the game is a forfeit. Teams can still play, but the results will be entered as a 5-0 win for the team with the minimum amount of players

PHOTOS:  This newsletter is infinitely more interesting when there are pictures of league actions. Mostly everyone has a camera phone. Snap pictures. Send them to me. Help me make this look pretty, so you don't have read all my stupid rantings. 

SHOES: Just a reminder that proper footwear is essential for safety reasons. Sneakers and plastic cleats are perfectly acceptable. No open toed shoes or metal cleats. Players seen wearing open toed shoes or metal cleats will be asked to change, or will not be allowed to play. 

BOCA BAR: After the game, please join us at our league sponsor, The Boca Bar a healthy selection of beverage options and appetizer specials.   

PART V:" To better days and better ways. Make peace with flesh and blood. Make peace with your love. Nothing more I could ask of you. In the end this is the truth. When my back is broken. When the mountain moves away. All the dreams and promises, that we, give, we give away. Sometimes you kick. Sometimes you get kicked." - INXS

Again, it is time to kick off another summer season of adult kickball. Personally, this is my fifth year in Waltham, and each season the league has grown more and more, with new friends joining every year. The object (besides IMMORTAL KICKBALL GLORY) is to have fun, to meet new people, and treat kickball as it should be, a brief respite of fun from an otherwise stressful existence. 


Furthermore, this league is your league. Paul Lurie, our league rep, is a kickball veteran and wacky guy. He's got a lot of fun and wackiness planned for this season, but is always willing to hear new ideas.  If you have any ideas to make this league better, you can email him at this address. 


Remember, have fun, meet new people, and just be who you am, and kick out the jams.  


Good luck and happy kicking,

- David, GMOT Editor