Ghost Man on Third: The Leo, Tigris and Ursa (Oh My) Edition

The  Award Winning Official Newsletter of the MA Commonwealth Division

"Godless Kickball Machines"  

WEEK FOUR: " I'm stark naked, but I don't care. I'm going to woods. I'm off hunting bear" - Bob Dylan

Table of Contents: 

I: Looking for Food, Possibly Employment

II: A Fricking Country Bear Jamboroo

III: Hakuna Effing Matata

IV: Richard Parker should have eaten Pi

V: Standings and Schedule 

VI: Announcements

VII: Shut Up Dorothy 

PART I: "I don't wanna be a tiger Cause tigers play too rough. I don't wanna be a lion cause lions aint the kind you love enough. I just wanna be, your teddy bear." - Elvis

I don't know about you, but I've been enthralled by the story of the black bear that wandered around Cape Cod a few weeks ago, was captured and released in Central Mass, and was then recaptured in Brookline, earlier this week. (The bear probably just had a craving for Dorado's Fish Tacos). Besides the bear puns, and pop culture references to The Simpsons, The Muppets and The Wizard of Oz, incidents like these remind me about the delicate balance between our species and the rest of the species with whom we share this planet. I'm not a PETA extremist, but I do believe there is a sensible path of conservation and development that benefits all species. But that is neither here nor there, as the story of the peripatetic bear (I'm really proud that I've used peripatetic twice this season. The first time was for pure alliterative purposes stolen lovingly from Calvin and Hobbes, but this second time, well BOOM that's what the English language is all about!) has caused a flood of emails to us(me) here at the GMOT headquarters. (I know, I know, why would people email someone writing a newsletter about recreational kickball about the influx of bear sightings in Eastern Massachusetts? Just bear with me.) So I it's time to dip into the bear and non-bear related emails  in the yearly HIGHLY ORIGINAL AND NEVER BEEN DONE BEFORE GIMMICK KNOWN AS THE MA COMMONWEALTH MAILBAG or as I like to call it the HOANBDBGKATMCM.

"In case a bear is to wander on field or attempt to play in a kickball game, what is the procedure?" - Meghan S. Teleballin

Excellent question. According to rule F7.24 subsection UM "Large Mammals, up to but not including rhinoceros, hippos and other ungulates" from the WAKA Kickball Rule Book, "All members of the Ursidaie family, under the Kingdom Animalia, Phlyum Chordata, Class Mammalia, Order Carnivora, and suborder Canifornia are prohibited from playing in any and all WAKA sanctioned games and tournaments. If a ball in play is interfered with by any bear, whether it be panda, polar, grizzly or black, the play is considered "out of bounds" and all runners are allowed to advance one base. Furthermore, a bear cannot be used to fulfill the minimum four male, four female requirement to avoid a forfeit, REGARDLESS OF THE BEAR'S GENDER. If the bear eats the ball, a fielder, base runner, kicker or spectator, it is recommended that all remaining players run for their lives." 

"Can I join WAKA, WAKA, WAKA?" - Fozzie B. Hollywood, CA

No. Wocka, wocka. 

"Enough with the damn bears. We are looking to bust balls, but are still unsure as of yet how to do so. Any tips?" - Jason K. LTBB

For some reason YouTube is filled with videos of guys purposely getting "ball busted" if you know what I mean. While I know that this is a known fetish, it sure is heck is a weird one.

Though, I would suggest avoiding the balls of hockey players, who seem to just keep on playing. 

"Hmmm, I was wondering, perhaps, if you had any hunny?" - Winnie P, Thousand Acre Woods

No. But if you are looking for something sweet, try one of the great margaritas at our league sponsor The Boca Bar. (Drink and/or eat hunny responsibly)

"Speaking of bears, and balls while we're at it, who are 'Dirty Mike and The Boys'"? - BDO, DMATB

"Dirty Mike and The Boys" is a Renaissance era colloquialism referring to the great artist Michelangelo and his cortege of apprentices, a few of whom may have actually been Bears. Michelangelo's sexuality has spurred much debate over the centuries since his death. The large volumes of sonnets dedicated to "The Boys" if you will, expressing erotic poetic sentiments, as well as his single lifestyle, have fueled rampant speculation on both sides of the coin. Some argue that these sonnets and lack of wife, are evidence of at minimum a homosexual inclination. Others argue that Michelangelo's writings are simply a continuation of Platonic discourse about love that philosophers have been having since Aristotle (hmmm.) However, most rational people say 'Why the fuck does it matter? Gay, straight, lesbian, transgendered, it doesn't matter what his orientation was, he's one of the greatest artists in the history of mankind.  To paraphrase a later philosopher, it's not the color of one's skin or the orientation of one's desires that matter, but the contents of their heart. 

"I am not a fan of these new fangled footballs you people play with. And what the hell is with the diamond? This game should be on the grid iron, you pansies. Run the damn ball, dag nabbit." - Paul "Bear" B., Tuscaloosa, Alabama

Uh, respectfully sir, this is kickball, not football, and you are, how do I put this mildly, dead. Though your corpse is probably a better coach than anyone who's ever coached Ohio State. 

"We may have the runs, but we are wondering, do bears get the runs too, and if so where do bears poop?  Sam B, We've Got the Runs

On the pope, obviously. 

"When you all play kickball, do you ever leave your picinik baskets unattended?" - Yogi B. Jellystone NP. 

No. Yogi, you should know, never turn your back. Never ever turn your back. (For those of you who normally don't follow the links I embed, I strongly recommend you watch this one. It's a retelling of the ending of Yogi Bear from a few years ago. The artist has re done the ending, using instead the climactic scene of the highly under-rated The Assassination of Jesse James by the Coward Robert Ford. Honestly, if this had been the actual ending for Yogi, it would have been an Academy Award winner. Of course, it would have scarred millions of children, but eh, the sooner they learn life's a bitch, the better, I say.) 

"How do we prevent bears from coming on our base?" - Ilana M-M

A firm "NO" usually works. Then a slap on the face. If that doesn't work, then I recommend "bear mace." 

"Have you ever been in a situation where you've had to drink your own pee? Cause I have, do it all the time and have made millions having people watch me do it. I'm awesome." - Bear G, Middle of Nowhere, On Purpose.

Ewww. 

"Do Bears surf?" - Mike G, Ninjapocalypse Now

Like Charlie, bears don't surf. But they do play hockey. 

"First time emailer, long time readerrrr. I just want to say, I like bears. I also like Frosted Flakes, cause they'rrrreee Grrrrreat!" - Tony T. Battle Creek, MI

Thank you. You are not a bear, sir. But I'm including lions and tigers in the theme for the week, because it is really hard to find a ton of rock songs about bears. As much as I love Elvis, quoting "Teddy Bear" for every chapter isn't how I roll with this newletter thing. 

"I know our name this season is Pumped Up Kicks? But considering the bear theme, don't you wish we were going by our name two years ago when we one our first Division title, Carescout?" - Vickie B, Pumped up Kicks

I am giving you a such a Care Bear stare right now, it's not even funny. 

"Dear Mr. Editor. If I had landed in the United States, instead of England, do you think I'd have had the success I've had?" - Paddington B. Darkest, Peru/London, UK

I'm not sure, but I can say that under a Romney administration, you'd probably be deported unless of course you represent an important voting constituency in a swing state that can be pandered too. Do hat and trenchcoat wearing bears with notes attached to them have a superPAC, secretly funded by cowardly billionaires and special interests? 

"What do you think happened to the inventor of our name inspiration the chicken nugget?" - Jess H, Kickin Nuggets (video clip, NSFW)

"What are the bare necessities of life?" Baloo, A Jungle in a Book

Beer. A mate. Kickball. 

PART II: "Lemme tell ya somethin' If U didn't come 2 party, don't bother knockin' on my door. I got a lion in my pocket, and baby he's ready 2 roar." - Prince

Speaking of beer, did I mention there will be free beer at the midseason party? And remember this year the theme is HALLOWEEN IN JULY.

THERE WILL BE A COSTUME CONTEST. And of course, that contest will be biased towards anyone wearing a bear suit. (There will be no bias)

MA COMMONWEALTH MIDSEASON PARTY

When: July 13th, 2012 - 7:30pm

Where: An Tua Nua 

Who: Registered Commonwealth Division Members (Free) Guests ($5)

PART III: "That old lion's mean and long in the tooth. And like you baby he's out on the loose. Messin' hearts up time and time again. Well it's time for that messin' to end." - Bruce Springsteen

6:30pm Games

Pumped Up Kicks 2 over Looking to Bust Balls 0 

This was a real pitching duel as Pumped Up Kicks was able to scratch out two runs, holding the experienced Looking to Bust Balls to none. 

Don't Come on My Base! 14 over Teleballin' 1

It was an exciting game for Don't Come on My Base. A mighty pitcher-first-third combo has been found and a strong team is beginning to form. Matt as pitcher, Danny on first, Steve on third, along with an army of mad skilled outfielders, DCOMB is going to be unstoppable. The team worked together play after play, learned each other's strengths, cheered each other on, and just had fun. Watch out Waka because here we come!

As for Teleballin, it was just one of those games. As captain Meghan says," And another bites the dust...Our one and only run was scored by Anton H. Had a few clutch outfield catches made by Matt S. But we took another L, losing 1 to, well, a lot.

Allison and Meghan contributed this report. 

PART IV:"Like a tiger breaking out of the zoo, Go right ahead, Do anything that you wanna do,t he rumours you heard, they were all true.Go right ahead." - The Hives

7:15pm Games

We've Got the Runs 5 over Kickin Nuggets 2

We've Got the Runs finally got on the scoreboard and into the win column with a 5-2 victory over the Kickin' Nuggets. Andrew gave up 2 runs over 4 solid innings and Mike D came in to shut the Nuggets down in the 5th. Matt made a nice catch on a foul ball at 3rd while Liz showed off her arm strength firing the ball at one of the Nuggets who was caught in a run down. Laura "J-Woww" played solid at catcher. Team captain Sam put the Runs ahead with a 3 run triple off of Nuggets closer Nasty Nate in the bottom of the 4th. Recap regular Frank "The Tank" caught a ball while coaching 3rd while Vivek "Osama" tried to get a little too hands on with the ladies of both teams.

As for the Nuggets, they were so shocked by the loss after their improvement over the last few weeks, that they were rendered speechless. All they had left was some photographic evidence that the game did occur.

Sam and Jess contributed this report.

Ninjapocalypse Now 4 over Dirty Mike and the Boys 3

In the game of the season so far, the Ninjas authored a bottom of the 5th walk off win over Dirty Mike and the Boys. In a game that was hot both in terms of temperature and temperament, Dirty Mike took a 3-0 lead in the 2nd inning on a 3 run homer. However the Ninjas clawed back, as Rick, Jon M, Jon N, Jordan, Paige and Andrew forced the tie. The Ninja defense was lead by Sword of Honor winner Ed and Indefatigable Can of Spam winner Katie, who along with Dave P and Ryan, and the pitching of Paul and Jon, helped keep Dirty Mike off the board for the rest of the game.  In the bottom of the 5th, Amy, Ryan and Jon N were able to find the holes in the Dirty Mike defense. With the game on the line, Dirty Mike was able to make a heads up defensive play to get two outs without giving up the winning run. But as the league's first tie seemed on hand, league rep Paul booted a double to score Jon N from second, and the Ninjas walked off with the win. For his heroics Paul was awarded the rarely awarded Hand Drum of Destiny. 


As for DMTB they took the loss well, and vow revenge.Similar to 2000' .com bubble, DMTB burst this past Thursday night. It was a sweltering, well fought game that ended with a slice of humble pie on one side and jubilation on the other... Until we meet again!
BDO and David contributed this report.

PART V:"But neon tiger there's a lot on your mind. Strategize to maim you, but don't you let them tame you. You're far too pure and bold, to suffer the strain of the pain that's old." - The Killers

Standings:

Schedule:

6:30PM

Desert: 

Pumped Up Kicksv.We've Got the Runs! 

Referee: Kickin' Nuggets

Grass:

Teleballin' v. Dirty Mike and the Boys

Referee: Ninjapocalypse Now

7:15pm 

Desert: 

Don't Come on My Base!  v. Looking to Bust Balls

Referee: Pumped Up Kicks

Grass:

Kickin' Nuggets v. Ninjapocalypse Now

Referee: Teleballin

PART VI: "He tried his tricks- that Ruskie bear. The United Nations said it's all fair
He did the radiation - the chemical plague. But he could not win - with a cossack spin." - The Clash

Announcements, Announcements Announcements

NOISE: As you are aware I love music. One of my mottos comes from the Pretty Girls Makes Graves song "Speakers Push the Air" "And nothing else matters when I turn it up loud." However, players need to be able to hear calls from the umpires to avoid controversies, as well as out of respect to the fields' neighbors, so please keep music volumes reasonable. 

ALCOHOL: Just a reminder, that there is to be no alcohol on the field. This includes not only players but any league guests. Waltham Police will most like not make a distinction if they catch anyone drinking at the field who is affiliated with our league. 


UMPIRES: Since at some point all teams will act as umpires, all players are reminded to be courteous to their umpires. Also anyone volunteering to ump, please be loud, clear and decisive with your calls. If anyone has a problem on the field please find our league rep Paul or myself if needed. 


PHOTOS: Thanks to Christopher of Teleballin and Jess of Kickin' Nuggets for some of this week's photos.Pictures paint a thousand words and more pictures means less of my drivel. Send any photos you got to me here. Thank you


BOCA BAR: Our league bar loves us. Show them the love back and go to the Boca Bar after games. 


TWITTER: Paul our league rep is a funny guy. Follow his league tweets at @Macommonealth for all the latest news.

PART VII:" I'm subtle like a lion's cage. Such a cautious display. Remember take hold of your time here. Give some meanings to the means, to your end" - Interpol

By now our dormant kickball skills should have awoken from their long hibernation, and players of all stripes should be ready to roar through the rest of the season.


Victory and Immortal Kickball Glory are wonderful things, if you are willing to bear the cost. I'd be lion if I said it wasn't worth it. It is worth it, and that's something you can ti(ger) your hat on. Oh my! 


Good luck and happy kicking,


-David, GMOT Editor